December: A Birthday Month to Not Remember

What, you may ask, is the only thing worse than the day after Christmas? 


Having your birthday the day after Christmas. Or any day in December for that matter.

People. Husbands and wives. Would-be parents:

STOP copulating in the month of March! It should be outlawed. Illegal. Felonious. Think of those poor, unfortunate unborn children who have to share their birth month with Jesus. Seriously.
It’s not fun. It’s unjust. No matter how “fair” parents try to make it, the poor kid always, always, always gets gypped.

I have quite a few relatives whose unfortunate lot it was to be born right around Christmas. Cousin Ethan turned 15 on Christmas Eve. Cousin John turned 28 ON CHRISTMAS DAY. And baby cousin-once-removed Ty (in the Santa hat below) turned one the day after Christmas.

For me, that’s misery exemplified.
Perhaps Ethan had it the worst this year. His bday was made even more unlucky by the fact that his father, my uncle Chris, showed old videos of him and his brother Christopher prancing and dancing around their living room in nada but their birthday suits.

It was a riot - albeit an embarrassing one for my adorable little cous.
But while he might have been a teense peeved at his dad for showing the majority of his extended family his nude toddler dance moves (mostly on fast-forward - Chris isn’t that mean - but can you just picture that cutie’s little booty?? omg), I reckoned the super miserable sitch the singing of Happy Birthday on Christmas day.
Wham bam, thank you ma’am - no separation of Christmas and Birthday. Sadness!

I cannot fathom having to celebrate my birthday in December.

People get presents but twice a year - their bday and Jesus’ bday (well, that’s a lie - me and my bro get presents on Valentine’s Day and Easter, too). I can’t imagine having only one month of presents to look forward to.
No matter how hard parents try to maintain a status quo with birthday gifts and holiday gifts, the receiver nevertheless gets the short end of the stick.

“Oh, this is for your birthday and Christmas.”



“I just thought, since they’re so close together, that we’d just get you one big present!”

“Well since they’re on top of each other, you only get one.”

It’s so unbelievably unfair!

Facebook tells me that quite a few pitiful peeps are celebrating their bdays this week. Quite a few.
In fact, I have two birthday parties tomorrow alone! (And I’m missing one tonight - sorry Jamie!!!!!)

So, dear adults of a child-rearing age: Think before you do the deed in the month of March. Consider the endless misery you’re inflicting on your poor, unsuspecting future child.

I know March is the most horrific, most boring month of the 12 - but come on, think of the children.

No one wants to share a birthday with Jesus.