Sunday, April 8, 2012

You're Such a Punk, Parsley

I like food…a lot. Obviously. I especially like food that has been scrumptiously seasoned to perfection (if you have not tried the lemon and herb seasoned tilapia from Whole Foods – well, you simply must! Wow I really like Whole Foods a whole lot, don't I?)

As with food, so too with seasonings - I'm just not picky when it comes to herbs and spices. In fact, some people may argue that I’m quite heavy handed. Especially with garlic, freshly ground pepper, and Parmesan cheese. But as far as herbs go, there is one I positively cannot stand.

Parsley: you’re pernicious.

Flat or curly, Italian or French, this ternately compound leaf lacks dignity and distinction. It is nothing but a bitter, listless, pungent, prosaic fern. Yes, parley, you are a FERN. You are a GARNISH. Oh, the humanity! In no world do you deserve to be eaten.

Carrie, I completely agree with you, Jack Berger be damned (no matter how cute you are)! It's the most brilliant idea ever to tell the waiter you're deathly allergic to parsley so they don’t sprinkle or garnish or embellish your dish with those loathsome green flakes of dried vomit. Why do restaurants think parsley, a sickly little plant, beautifies a presentation?

I. Don't. Get. It.

Seriously. Parsley is the most egotistical, self-centered, miserly herb in the world. It ruins e.v.e.r.y. dish. Some foods have such great potential, they could really be something. Something sublime. But parsley overwhelms them, spoils them. Don’t you have a conscience, parsley?

Take tabbouleh for instance. I think tabbouleh would be excellent if only – if ONLY – the second main ingredient was not parsley. Bulgur: delish, mint: delightful, tomatoes: divine (at least now I think so), scallions: delectable, other various herbs along with lemon juice, olive oil, black pepper: well let’s just say I had to go get a tissue to sop the drool from my mouth.

And the list goes on. You are such a weasel, parsley! Why do you feel the need to smuggle yourself into chicken noodle soup? Get OUT of my Mediterranean feta salsa, be expelled from my frittata, expunge yourself from my gremolata, goddamn it! And don't even get me started on parsley pesto. As if you don't desecrate enough dishes and sauces, you really have to creep in and steal basil's thunder? Really, parsley? Really?? YOU DON'T BELONG IN PESTO! It brings tears of passion to my eyes (good thing I have that tissue), why oh why must you spoil perfectly good foods, parsley?

You are by far the most terrifying green monster in all of existence. Far worse than Swamp Thing or Slimer or Oscar. The Grinch has got nothing on you, ya hear me?

Please people. There are beautiful green herbs out there that are far more lovely than parsley. Rosemary is rapturous, thyme is transcendent, dill is deific, fennel is fabulous, cilantro is celestial - cardamom and turmeric, well, you're both spelled funny but I love you anyway.

The point is: PARSLEY SUCKS. So don't buy it. And tell the waiter you'll go into anaphylactic shock if it so much as speckles your plate.

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