Monday, August 5, 2013

Stinky Sidewalk Soup

Hallelujah. Amen. Color me happy. Omfgees. Shit yo! It’s actually been NICE for more than two days together!!

Is that you, summer?

Yes. Yes I do believe it is.

I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say we’ve all been wishing and hoping and thinking and praying for beautiful, warm weather. And yet...and yet.

Ignorance is bliss. Fo sho. That is to say, we were all ignorant of the stench that descends upon this lovely little city of ours when it’s hot. And that was certainly blissful.

But apparently we cannot have our cake and eat it too.

No, no. Apparently we have to make do with the stinky street soup that inundates our nostrils when heat and humidity settle upon us.

One whiff of that virulent pottage and I want to faint. Or maybe I just want to faint because I’m asphyxiating myself with breath-holding.


Let’s take a look at what this street n’ sidewalk stew consists of, shall we? What makes up the bouquet, if you will.

The top note is comprised of a plethora of cheap beers. Namely Bud, Bud Light, and Miller Light. These somehow end up coating (layer upon layer) the sidewalk. So much so that if I was blindfolded, I'd think I was at a college frat party.

Then of course there’s the rancid reek of urine - human and canine, obvi. There’s no excuse for those crazies pissing in phone booths! Dogs, fine. It’s not their fault their selfish owners force them into apartments the size of closets.

And then there's the occasional poop...adds some color and some texture to the soup.

Let’s not forget our proteins now, shall we? There’s plenty of dead rats and mice and pigeons and birds and bugs to go around for everyone.

Pepper in some cigarette butts and ashes, a few gnawed off pizza crusts, a McD's cup or two, and couple of loogies for flavor and you got yourself some nice ingredients for the stew!

But really, that's all just the beginning. As if all this littering and dumping wasn’t bad enough, store owners decide to up and wash the sidewalk.

The crème de la crème, the crowning glory, the goddamn consommé that pulls this foul concoction together is the soap and the water.

Why do store front owners insist on scrubbing the sidewalk? It’s a sidewalk. It’s concrete. It’s not a floor in a house.

So gross! It sends ripples of disgust through my entire body when I see someone with a hose.

Generally it’s first thing in the morning. When I’m actually clean and fresh looking, ready for work. But, oh, wait - let me just walk through a few toxic eddies and some rank, rancid puddles.

I hate hate hate that my toes get wet and I, inevitably, splash the mixture up the backs of my legs.

Please store owners, PLEASE: Stop the scrubbing, Put an end to the stinky sidewalk soup. Because I certainly am NOT ready for this gorgeous weather to end!

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