Ice Ice Baby

There’s nothing like frosty glass of ice-cold lemonade.
At least some people think so.

I, on the other hand, prefer a sans-condensation, ice-less, cool (preferably pink) glass of the stuff.

Actually, with this bipolar summer we’ve had - faux fall temps, goddamn, never-ending rain - I truly wonder if anyone has even been craving an ice-ridden, sugary drink.

(So sad, but I don’t think I can rightfully talk about the end of summer nearing and ice-cold glasses of lemonade without sending myself into a hyperbolic depression.)
(Pausing.)
(I’m sorry, I need to take a few deep breaths.)

OK.

No more talk about summer ending. For the duration of this entry I shall restrict my ruminations to that most loathsome, clunky, clinking invention: the ice cube.

I don’t suppose I can rightly call ice an invention. It is, after all, a naturally occurring phenomenon. But if it weren’t for that sly fella Lloyd Groff Copeman (yes, I Wiki-ed), there would be no such thing as an ice cube.

Said in an I-hate-Uncle-Jamie voice: “I haaate Lloyd Groff Copeman!”

Seriously people, what is the obsession with ice? Some of yous just can’t get enough. Good thing it’s free (at most places) cause if they charged you for it, you’d all be broke.

I can’t think of one good thing to say about ice.
It’s a pain in the ass to make. Especially if you - like me - have to manually fill trays with water.

The cubes, being in your freezer amongst a plethora of dead animals, invariably end up stinky and stale.

Then there’s the noise. The noise, noise, noise, NOISE! That cracking, that twisting, that horrifying screech the cubes make when they’re popped from their tray formation.

Even the constant dumping of the automatic cube-erator is annoying!
Not to MENTION the chinking of cubes in shakers and glasses.
And those painful, crackling, hissing sounds they make when they’re hot! Ugh!

Ice is made from water (obviously). So why would you want to add additional water to, say, your coffee? All you end up with is

extremely watered down coffee. What’s the point? Who wants to drink watered down anything?

Filling glasses or plastic cups up to the brim with ice is simply a money maker for restaurants. Really, it is. More free chunks of frozen water means less of the stuff they actually charge for - fountain soda, alcoholic beverages, lattes, juice.

Alas, it’s we the people who have to suffer through the selfishness of these businesses! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten the stinkeye at Dunkin’s for saying, “Not a lot of ice, please,” in the sweetest possible voice.

Then I watch as they shove as many cubes as possible into a medium size cup - simply to spite me. I, being the passive aggressive person I am, say nothing in opposition, opting instead to skip their tip.

For reals, though. This is all child’s play compared to what irks me MOST about those solid cubes-o-agua.
Yes indeed.

If anything ever sent more shivers up my spine than an R.L. Stine book, than a Scream movie, than watching the news - it is the sound of people chomping down on ice cubes.

Seriously. I don’t understand how any levelheaded, normal human being can do such a thing. Can want to do such a thing. It’s positively grotesque, not to mention utterly chilling and cringe-inducing. Even popsicles. Even when people bite ice cream, I involuntarily shudder.
Don’t those brats have sensitive teeth?

Maybe that’s it...that’s why I hate ice so much. Because my g-d Sensodyne doesn’t work and my teeth freak out when ice cubes touch them.

Hmph.