Friday, November 11, 2011

A Case of the Chronic Car Alarms

I live in a world where there exists...drum alarms. Chronic, resounding alarms.

It was kind of a tough transition from apartment-overlooking-courtyard to apartment-overlooking-street. Hence my constant white-AC-noise (and sleep mask, for that matter). But it’s really quite difficult to be a recovering insomniac when there are car alarms going off all night every night.

Last Sunday, I had a little funday with my lady friends, Kelly, Jill, and Dana. This last hilarious lass flicked her cigarette butt, it hit a parked car, and she immediately joked, “I hope that doesn’t set the alarm off!”

Amidst laughter, a conversation began on how car alarms are sooooo 90s. And they ARE!! They are beepers in a Blackberry world. Encyclopedias in the Kingdom of Wiki-Google. Bonafide handwritten letters in a society of ecards. For reals.

What purpose do car alarms serve? What is their means to an end? What act do they actually accomplish?

Perhaps they spook away dogs who are trying to piss on their shiny paint. Or maybe they prevent bar patrons from sitting on their hoods, tailgate style.

But really, people: They don’t keep hoodlums from breaking and entering your fancy schmance set-o-wheels.

If your car’s gonna get robbed, it’s a gonna get robbed. It happened to my father on 7th Avenue in broad daylight. Punched out his lock, swiped his wallet, wham bam thank you ma’am. Hundreds of dollars later - hmm. Did the alarm prevent it from happening? No.

There’s no point to the alarm institution. They’re good for nothing but inflicting pain on our poor human ears. Has anyone else noticed how the shrieking of car alarms has grown infinitesimally more torturous with the passage of years? Now there’s not only horns honking at frustratingly close intervals - oh no.

There’s the deep, belching sirens. The short, stabbing squeals. The vibrating emissions that sound alien...or radioactive...or a combination of the two.

Where’s the voice saying, “Step away from the car!” - at least that one provided some comic relief. Too much to ask for, apparently.

In fact, car alarms are so outdated, so archaic, that they’re inventing new uses for them. JUST YESTERDAY, I received an email from one of my high school teachers. No joke!!! Some highlights (copied and pasted...I swear, I kid you not):

“Put your car keys beside your bed at night…If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car...The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies…If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won't stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.”

Oh no, that criminal surely won’t want that.

Come ON, you rich, Village-dwelling peeps. Turn those stupid, shitty car alarms off at night so we can get some SLEEP!

I crack up every morning when I walk by those super famous, cutely painted apartments on my street (where Anna Wintour now lives). It’s a block of nada but Jaguars and Mercedes the occasional Rolls.

Dummy, dummy, dumbass. If you’d rather not have your expensive ass car broken into, don’t park it on the streets of New York City. Because we the people, us regular ole folk, DO NOT want to hear its chronic shrill alarm go off all night every night.


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