Do Dankes: The Triple Treat

I’ve been vewwy vewwy bad.

Though I did say to hell with “New Year, New You”, I have been trrrrying to make better choices about what I toss down the ole gullet.

OK. Well I tried for one week at least. And, well, really I was forced to. I was super sick, you see, and didn’t have any desire to eat anything other than the delicious chicken soup I made.

But when my nose unstuffed itself and my taste buds resumed their daily duties, the all-too-familiar urge to consume cake, cookies, and cupcakes absolutely overcame me. Damn it.

What is it about this triple sweet treat threat that draws me in so? Hooks me. Handcuffs me. Shackles me. Does not allow me to just say no.

Is there a Cupcakeaholic’s Anonymous? Oh yeah, it’s called Weight Watchers.

But for reals. When I find myself in the presence of some sweet treat, I salivate like a rabid dog. I foam at the mouth. My vision goes from glassessary to 20/15 in .2 secs if it hones in on funfetts, oat rais, snickerdoods, red velvs, or monkey cake.

I politely (desperately), gently (firmly) push (shove) people out of the way, hoping against hope that my Chosen One isn’t chosen by someone else.

And then, and then, after I have had selection success, I inhale the sugary goodness of my goodie.

Though I wish I had the patience to savor sweets, I always seem to devour them in seconds. Then, left with a bereft plate, I want seconds. And thirds. And fifths. ‘Tis a vicious cycle - sugar isn’t too satisfying, you see, and so I never grow tired of it.

When I crave, I cave - only to regret it after the cake is out of sight and tucked inside.

Now I don’t think I necessarily favor one of these ménage à treats over another. I like them all in turn. Oftentimes it just depends on my mood. But it always seems to work out - somehow my mood syncs with whatever treat is in front of me. Amazing!

I’m going to do the fair thing and divulge my favorite indulgences in reverse alphabetical order. Cupcakes to the plate, cookies on deck, cake on the bench (being lazy - as befits the fattest of them all).

Funfetti cupcakes. Where to begin? They’re light and fluffy. Colorful. Not too sweet. Vanilla (which I definitely prefer to chocolate - totes a vanilla on vanilla kind of girl). How I wish there was a funfetti bakery in New York City. Sigh.

But until someone with a bit more startup money than I opens such a joint, I shall have to survive on delectable treats from a few other NYC bakeries.

My faves: Sweet Revenge (pictured) - their namesake cupcake (peanut butter cake, ganache filling with peanut butter buttercream); Sugar Sweet Sunshine - Sunshine (yellow cake with vanilla buttercream); Buttercup Bake Shop - Red Velvet (with cream cheese frosting, the proper icing for R. Velvs) and Sour Cream Spice (‘nuff said); Crumbs - though I detest the fact that they’re a chain and their normal cupcakes are dry, I do love their vanilla-with-coconut-flakes mini-cupcakes.

Now cookies...cookies are quite a change of pace from cupcakes - but equally delish. Though not as moist (does that word bother anyone?) as their counterparts, they do offer maaaany more ingredients and super yummy varieties.

As corny as it sounds, I’m pretty partial to my mom’s cookies - very few bakeries come close to hers. And who needs a bakery when she mails them to my office all the time! (My coworkers love them just as much as I do.) Her ginger chews are incomparable. Homemade chocolate chip with mini M&M’s? OMMG. Her oatmeal raisins - unparalleled. Even iced sugar cookies she makes, gah! I’d better stop there before I wind up on Metro North homeward bound.

A distant second to Trissi, though, is Milk & Cookies. Their snickerdoodle and chocolate mint are totes ridics.

Onward to the last - but certainly not least - of the trio...drumroll please...“Let them eat cake!” (Don’t mind if I do.)

But do, please, let me eat the entire cake. I daresay I could! OK probably not - alas, what I love most about cakes is that you can cut yourself a huge piece, eschewing the embarrassment of having to go back for seconds (and thirds and fourths) that cupcakes often cause.

The tricky thing with cakes is that they’re more apt to dry out than their mini-twins. There’s just more cake to bake than cupcakes! So yeah, I don’t love a dry cake. I’ll eat it but I won’t necessarily enjoy it. Fine, I’ll enjoy it a little bit but not as much as I potentially could.

As much as I love vanilla on vanilla (funfetti is still my main squeeze in plus-size form - I make it for all my friend’s bdays, this one was for Michelle’s), I must say that I do favor other flavors. I even love chocolate cake with vanilla frosting - nuts, I know!

I especially I love it from Amy’s Bread - methinks cause it’s Devil’s food with buttercream frosting. I also thoroughly enjoy their coconut creme cake, their monkey cake (it’s dense, moist, and chunky with fresh bananas, pineapple and toasted pecans all coated in cream cheese icing - good lord), and of course their carrot cake (second only to the Schopp family recipe).

Though I don’t care for their overrated cupcakes, Magnolia does have a delish coconut layer cake.

And of course I love mi madre’s icebox cake - chocolate wafers encased in layers and layers of whipped cream (they expand when chilled - so good!)

You know what? I think I’m just gonna stop there before I decide to whip up that Valentine’s Day funfetti mix sitting in my cabinet. No Katie. No, no, no.

Last week I devoured two snickerdoodles and two oatmeal raisins from Milk & Cookies, then proceeded to try on bathing suits for my Miami trip (T - 2 days). Not a pretty sight.

Goddamn golden delicious it is. Gag me.