Insomniarama

It’s quite unfortunate that this country, this city, is full of workaholics. Seriously. I mean, we got cannoli and paella from those most languorous nations of Italy and Spain – why oh WHY didn’t their soft spots for siestas melt into this pot that is NYC as well?

We live in The City That Never Sleeps. What an excellent connotation. Ha. Perhaps that’s why, since moving here, I’ve joined the ranks of insomniac denizens.

And I haaaaaaaaaate it.

Sleeping is, apparently, very hard work. It’s takes a knack, a talent – and I seem to have lost all capacity for being “good” at it.

You name it, I’ve tried it – Simply Sleep, Tylenol PM, Melatonin, Ambien. I’ve guzzled NyQuil, and popped Benadryl. I’ve misted my pillows and my face with “Tranquil” spray. Rubbed my temples with “Relax”.

I’ve tried all the teabags. I’ve lit candles and listened to instrumental music. I have a sleep mask. I “changed my routine” so I no longer read in bed. I don’t drink caffeine past 11am. I’ve even tried Trazodone.
And yet…slumber evades me.
I don’t know WHAT my problemo is. It’s kind of a joke, actually. There I lie in my cozy, ridiculously comfortable bed. And my mind hums not with dreams, but with thoughts of how funny it is that I can’t fall asleep.

I do have noble intentions. I don’t automatically resort to the pill – I try to resist the temptation of immediately popping one before I slip between the sheets. Especially since I read on the Melatones (as my co Jeffery and I so fondly call it) label that you should only take for the tabs for two months, with a week off. I was up to EIGHT per night – this has since dwindled down to one or two. But I’ve been taking them for two YEARS, not months!!

Shit yo!

No wonder why my brain is turning to mush. Why I can never think of what exactly is is that I want to say. That I am drowsy every single day, dizzy and forgetful, clumsy and off-balance. That I see things floating around in my vision that aren’t really there.

Umm…can we say s-c-a-r-y?

I recently read “One Hundred Years of Solitude” by Gabriel García Márquez (a positively gorgeous book, I HIGHLY recommend). At one point, the town of Macondo (in which the novel takes place), is plagued by insomnia. The inhabitants, delirious and forgetful with lack of sleep, begin to label everything.

However, even with pieces of paper saying what everything is, the residents start to dread the day when the labels will have no meaning because they themselves will have forgotten how to read!

I sympathize with those lovely fictional residents of Macondo. Only I live in the very real city of New York.

And there aren’t any gypsies coming along to cure us NYCers of that most loathsome malady, insomnia.

Boo hoo.

Facebook Follies: The IS Factor

Now I know I done talked smack about status updates before. But I find that, in recent weeks, I’ve been haunted by The IS Factor.

IS has been creeping onto my homepage far too frequently…and it’s driving me bonkers.

Oh, the inanity, the inanity!

I don’t get it.

Do you people think you're witty? Original? Inventive? Ingenious? Let me break it to you, “friends”: You’re not. You are not the first, nor will you be the last (unfortunately) to post “is” as a status update.

Buddies, buddies. You ain’t Plato. Or Aristotle. Or Socrates. Or even Descartes. Your philosophical endeavors are embarrassing. They don’t even toe the line of mediocrity. They’re not entertaining in the least.

If you have nothing better to say than “is”, then please…say nothing at all. A status update is not, in fact, necessary. Especially not five times a day. Especially, ESPECIALLY when you have nothing more sprightly to say than “is”.

Now don’t be all, “Oh, woe is me, I thought I was being so clever!” I know it’s not your fault. It’s Mark Zuckerberg and his social-status-updating-invention’s fault.

Prior to the stupid “What’s on your mind?” (w-o-y-m) box, there was a status update box. Unfortunately for those members who belonged to Facebook pre-w-o-y-m, the word “is” was included within the confines of that text box.

Now, since there is no “is”, people feel disoriented. They are discombobulated. Positively perplexed, yo! These peeps are so unbelievably vapid they’re reverting back to the comfort that was Old Facebook.

Sad face.

If they’re not employing the “is” faux pas singularly, then they’re using “is” as part of a solecistic status update.

The two-word openers of some of my recent, cringe-inducing faves:

Laura Sacajawea* is wishes…

Tom Tom Piperson* is slept…

Chris McCreeperson* is needs…

Let’s not confuse our tenses here, people. Or our verbs. Or anything else pertaining to grammar. Adding “is” is NOT necessary. Laura, you can wishes without the “is”. Tom Tom you can slept late without the “is”. And Chris, you can just needs! No need for the “is”!!

Yes, it’s entertaining to see how easily this small verb confuses the masses. But it’s also a little gag generating.

Come on! Exclude the “is” if it’s not necessary!

And please, for the love of ice cream cones. Please don’t play philosopher-for-a-day and put “is” as your w-o-y-m update. You’re not being existential. You’re simply being inept.

* Names have obviously been changed. I don’t want to hurt any of my friends’ feelings!