Reduce.Reuse.Recyle, Retards!

I’m not gonna pretend I’m all “Save Mother Earth” all the time. Of course I waste electricity, paper, water. I am human. But I think what sets me apart from a whole slew of other peeps is that I’m hyper aware of it.

I’m aware of what/how much I waste and put forth (some) effort in curbing it. I don’t take long showers (though that’s twofold - I don’t want me no dry skin), I turn the water off when I brush my teeth, I use a Nalgene bottle, I b.y.o.bag when I go grocery shopping, and - most importantly - I recycle.

Yes friends and foes, kiddies and cousins, moms and pops and grans and gramps, remember those three clever R’s - Reduce, Reuse, Recycle? Well you need to start abiding by that mantra. Like, yesterday, yo!

I know, I know. We city dwellers have it made. It’s as simple as dragging our bags downstairs and eeny, meeny, miny, moe-ing between garbage (plain aluminum), glass and plastic (blue), and paper products (green). Yes, it’s even color coded. Foolproof!

But for you non-city folk, recycling takes effort. It’s different when you’re the one in charge of properly disposing of recyclables (i.e. making trips to da dump - Papa P’s favorite pastime). It’s a pain in the ass. I hear ya! But I’m telling you, you need to suck it up and comply. No ifs ands or buts.

Last week I had dinner at Whole Foods and, come clean up time, was utterly befuddled by their trash system. They’s got a shit ton of garbage options!: landfill, food and dirty napkin waste for compost, clean paper products for recycling, glass, cans, excess COFFEE, omg can’t even remember what else.

I stood there dumbfounded, reading and rereading the instructions before Kelly led me by example. It was bananas.

I know, guys. Not only is recycling a pain in the buttocks, it can also be intimidating. You might feel stupid and silly for a couple of minutos. Perhaps you’ll even feel put-upon (how DARE you ask ME to do some of the sorting, Waste Management!! Who do you think you are, huh? Huh!?!)

This is understandable. Whole Foods and some new fangled sports venues (à la Yankees Stadium) do guilt trip you into recycling - I concur. But they do so with good reason. Don’t you leave those trash cans feeling like you’ve accomplished something, like you’ve made your carbon footprint smaller? Infinitesimally so, yes, but still. Smaller.

And that, my friends, is what it’s all about.

Now please, I don’t henceforth want to be called Preacher Parry - but come on peeps. Get off yer lazy asses and at least, at LEAST start taking proper care of your glass and plastic containers. Maybe even b.y.o.bags when you go shopping. Sing it Maria: Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start!
I cringe - literally cringe - when I see people tossing their Mountain Dew n’ Bud Light bott’s into the garbage right along with their Big Mac leftovers (yikes, musta gotten sick before they could even finish!) Or when I see people swigging out of Poland Springs bottles at the gym. Or when I see piles of soiled newspapers sitting on the sidewalk.

I hate it when certain stupid, lazy citizens of this country - people with full use of their legs AND complete access to recycling bins - toss their no good, very bad toxic containers into landfill-bound garbage cans. They do so without a second thought as to where it’ll end up.

To those of who could care less about doing a good deed, about helping out our planet (oh BOY do I sound mushy or what?? Shut UP Parry!), at least do it for the cash incentive. 5¢ surely ain’t much, but if you collect a whole bunch of 5¢-ers, you could at least buy yourself a few rounds of PBR!

I’ll leave you with this:

“Every year, Americans throw away 50 billion food and drink cans, 27 billion glass bottles and jars, and 65 million plastic and metal jar and can covers. More than 30% of our waste is packaging materials. Where does it all go? Some 85% of our garbage is sent to a dump, or landfill, where it can take from 100 to 400 years for things like cloth and aluminum to decompose.”

That is deeeeesgusting. So let’s quit it, shall we?

(Whew, have I missed my mission in life? Environmental Activist? I think not. But the least you can do is check out recycling areas near you. And yeah, I fully expect a PBR paid for by recycled cans when next we meet.)