Stop (Auto) Correcting Me!

As a self proclaimed member of the Grammar Police Brigade, I daresay their’s nothing more embarassing then comitting a foh pah.

Ha. Ha.

And yet...I have a love/hate relationship with the Institution of the Auto Correct & Format.

I’d say it sways more toward love a lot of the time. But there have been so many instances lately, mostly on the good old iPhone, where I simply want to gouge out Mr. Auto Correct’s metaphoric eyes. Stop watching me auto correct, you sleek, slender creep!

(And let it be said that I know auto correct can be added and taken away...a technicality for the sake of this entry.)

Fine, I appreciate auto correct most of the time. It’s better to be shamed by an electronic genius in the privacy of my apartment than to cringe and cower when I notice that I’ve spelled something as simple as “occasion” wrong on the world wide web. (That word! Always! Dammit.)

I fear that Microsoft Outlook (GASP!) deserves a big shout out too. Buddy boy tells me when I’ve messed up words in my work emails. He even capitalizes my name for me when my Shift-key-reach doesn’t take. Kitschy lingo flies on Urban Dictionary and Gmail, but it don’t so much fly in an office enviro, got my drift yo?

And though the instances may be (very) few and (very) far between (ha), I am grateful for the time or two where auto correct has called me out on my erroneous homophone usage.

But other than THAT. Seriously auto correct, you pompous ass you! If I’ve made a fragment, then it’s probably on purpose. So shut UP, no I do NOT want to “consider revising” thank you very much. Otherwise I’d screw up the whole point I was trying to get across.

And why the red and green scary underline colors? Though I love, love, love Christmas, I think that’s a little small-minded of you, auto correct. Get some culture up in there.

And update your dictionary. I should not have to “Add” words for you. Get off your lazy ass. It is not my job to

overhaul your entire electronic system. Bonafide is, actually, a real word. So quit it with your threatening dotted red line.

Perhaps I’m more readily able to forgive Word and Works and Pages and, fine, Spell Check in general (though Blogger’s spell check is horrendous - I’m talking dark ages vocabulary), because they prevent abysmal mortification.
But iPhones? In. Sane. Insane I tell you! Yes, texting is faster and easier and lovelier than having to press actual keys. But the downside is that your clumsy fat thumbs get in the way a lot and, so, misspellings are quick to transpire.

iPhone is great when he hits his stride, when he’s being telepathic and reading my mind. I get so excited when a word that looks NOTHING like what it’s meant to be actually pops up after you hit the space key. WAHOO!!



Then there are times that I completely lose faith with the phone. I want to shout at it and, again, gouge its stupid eyes out.

For instance: twas becoming tWas. Why the capital W, iPhone? What language do you speak? Don’t you think that capital W is a little unnecessary? Far too excessive iPhone, shame on you.

And stop capitalizing my abbreviation for tomorrow. I don’t have any friends named Tom.

Quit trying to make “etter” into “errrr” - that’s three letters off! Add ONE letter instead and you’ve got “better” - DUH. Get with the program, iPhones!

Your Maker (Mac-er) is totes brill - so why aren’t you up to snuff yet?