It was my name first.

As if having a name as common as Katie Parry wasn't bad enough, someone had to come along and sing a song about kissing a girl and liking it. Katy Perry: no dankes.

Now let me just say that I like my name. I often introduce myself with both first and last name - which often gets me the stink eye from strangers. My friends frequently call me by both. Katie Parry just has a nice ring to it. So yes, yes I do like my name. Aside from the fact that my parents decided to change the common spelling of Katherine to the less "Polish" sounding K-a-t-h-r-i-n-e a couple of weeks after taking me home from the hospital. Aside from the fact that it comes up on every single spell check ever (and as we all know, I love me some spell checks). Or the fact that it's been spelled incorrectly on my credit cards, report cards, cards I get in the mail. Or that of the 100ish seniors in my high school graduating class, there were four chicks named Katie.

And, oh, the fact that I've never, ever heard of another Kathrine until last summer when a nurse at the doctor's office told me her daughter's name was spelled the same way. Um yeah, they didn't know how to spell Katherine when they immigrated to the U.S. and only later discovered that "Kathrine" was...well...not the right way.

So, fine - if my first name has always been the boring bottom half of the cake, then my last name is for sure the delicious vanilla icing with sprinkles. Or, to put it another way (sorry, sweets are always on my mind) - I love, love, LOVE my last name. It's silly, yes. But true. Even though people consistently spell the latter half of my moniker incorrectly, I always take pride in saying, "Parry, p-A-r-r-y" - so much cooler than Perry! And there's a far more magnificent definition for the A vs. the E - I mean, "fermented drink usually made with pears" - really? Who's ever heard of that. On the other hand...

parry: [par-ee], -ried, -rying, noun, plural -ries.–verb (used with object)
1. to ward off (a thrust, stroke, weapon, etc.), as in fencing; avert
2. to turn aside; evade or dodge: to parry an embarrassing question.

So much better!

But to be fair, dictionary aside, let's put it to a for reals test. Katy Perry vs. Katie Parry. Lay it all on the line. Who would win? Based on my extremely complicated scoring system, let's see:

• Super cute outfits (for the most part), +75
• A few hit songs, +125
• One horrific Grammy performance, -100
• The inability to come up with an original song title (this one's for you, Jill Sobule), -65

TOTAL: 35
VS.

• I am bigger and would kick ass in a cat fight, +25
• I cannot sing for the life of me...unless I am karaoke-ing in K-town and I've had a few bottles of that disgusting green alcohol (what is that stuff, anyway??), -50
• When I was in ninth grade I briefly dated someone with the last name Perry, -100 (I know, I know. But I swear we weren't related!)
• It was my name first, +35, AND mine has a way more spectacular spelling, +500

TOTAL: 410
Looks like it's 35 vs. 410. So I guess I have to say sorry, Katy, I win.

My relationship with Katy Perry is fairly hot and cold - no pun intended. I do like some of her songs I suppose. They're catchy. And I obvi love cherry Chap Stick. However, I do NOT like my middle-aged coworkers saying "Oh, Katie Parry, did you kiss a girl?" Or people approaching my parents, asking them if it was me on the radio. I'm sick of friends (who will remain anonymous) writing on my Facebook wall:


Have you kissed any girls lately??
March 2 at 3:56pm



And above all else, I'm sick of people not believing me when I introduce myself as Katie Parry. Goddamn you Katy Perry! It was my name first! And again, lest anyone forgets, the spelling of mine is infinitesimally better! So please, go change yours!!! And people, leave me alone!!

(If you have any doubt in your mind that I should not have won the Katy Perry vs. Katie Parry contest, please - watch this:


...that's what I thought). I rest my case.