Spread the Love. Hate the Day.

Not that I’m necessarily in a fight with Valentine’s Day. Puh-lease - t’ain’t one of those woe-is-me single ladies (faaar from it, in fact). And while my diet this weekend has consisted almost solely of white, red, and pink Peanut M&M’s, it’s not because I’m eating my feelings - my cabinets are, unfortunately, sans food.

I just don’t get what the big deal is about Valentine’s Day. Girls get pissed at boys for not buying them candy and stuffed animals. They stomp their feet and throw pissy hissy fits if they’re not taken out to dinner - “YOU DIDN’T MAKE RESERVATIONS??”

OMG and it is the END of the WORLD if baby don’t get her flowers! So gross - they’re probably ordered from 1-800-FLOWERS and are, undoubtedly, red roses with disgusting baby’s breath - say it with me now: ewwwwwwww. (Note to boys: a little imagination never hurt anyone.)

I’m happy to report that none of my co’s received flowers last Friday (was that the cheaper way to go or something? there were lots of unfortunate status updates happening) - so thankfully there was no flaunting in my office.

Instead, my cynical cell cube-mate sent me a lovely list detailing why Valentine’s Day is simply the stage name for Slit-Your-Wrists Day:

1. In the two week period leading up to Valentine’s Day, American sales of gold jewelry lead to 34 million metric tons of waste.

2. The vast majority of roses sold for Valentine’s Day in the U.S. are imported from South America, wasting fossil fuels.

3. Valentine’s Day traces its roots to an ancient pagan holiday called Lupercalia, in which men stripped naked, grabbed whips, and spanked young women in hopes of increasing their fertility.

4. The Christian martyr St. Valentine was beheaded on February 14 for performing marriages in secret.

5. Research suggests that 75 percent of suicide attempts are attributable to relationship problems.

6. 46 percent of Americans will exchange Valentine’s Day candy.

7. 67 percent of Americans are overweight or obese.

8. The first Valentine’s Day card was sent by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London. He remained a prisoner of war for the next twenty-four years.

9. A recent poll found that one in ten young adults admitted to feeling lonely, insecure, depressed, or unwanted on Valentine’s Day. And that’s just the ones that admitted it.

10. Forty percent of people have negative feelings towards Valentine’s Day.

11. The famous St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, in which seven Chicago gangsters were gunned down on February 14, 1929, was one of the bloodiest in mob history.

12. 64 percent of American men do not make Valentine’s Day plans in advance.

13. Candy hearts taste like shit.

14. Even if you’re really, really in love right now, you’re still going to die eventually.

Yizzikes.

Now let it be understood that my fabulous group of solo lady friends and I are not single bitter bitches. No, no. We simply see Valentine’s Day as a big, fat, commercialization - and really, who doesn’t?

But once we don our rose-colored glasses (unfortunate coincidence), this schmoliday is magically transformed into a far more fun holiday called Galentine’s Day (thanks Ri and Amy!)

Tonight is nada but a ridiculously welcome and super fun excuse to get decked to the nines, drink lots of champagne, and spend time with girlfriends. And of course there will be funfetti and tons-o-belly laughs - way better than pouting your way through an overpriced dinner.

I don’t have a ginormous problem with Feb 14th. For me, this measly mid-month, mid-winter day has always been halfway decent. Maybe it’s cause my parents give me a few presents (and some moolah). Or because I’ve always received anything but roses (thank GOD - red ones?...I would die). I’ve even had a few delicious dinners cooked for me.

* Unconventional is the way to be, boys. *

I just think Valentine’s Day is like your birthday - all the buildup, all the excitement, all the anticipation - then the actual moment comes, the main event - and it never, evvvver lives up to your expectations.

And why would it? Who in their right mind would be satisfied with a cheesy poem in the shape of a heart, an ugly white teddy bear from CVS, and a dozen horrifically horrifying red roses that will die the next day?

Not I.

Romance makes me awkward and squirmy. My idea of ardor is waking up on February 14th to find a cute, simple note on my iPod wishing me a lovely day, saying there’s a new Valentine’s Day playlist - and no, not a mushy one, a sentimental one. (Yes that did happen once, so sweet!)

Come on people. Stop making such a big deal out of February 14th. Stop putting all your hopes and dreams of romance into one itty bitty day - there are 364 OTHERS in the year.

Spread the love. Hate the day.

That is, of course, unless you’re spending it with your lady friends - then I must say, LONG LIVE GALENTINE’S DAY!

hugs and kisses and rainbows and ponies,

kpizzle