Friday, February 19, 2010

Meditations in an Eye-mergency

A disclaimer: I contemplated deleting this post when I read it with un-blurry eyes this morning. It’s pretty ridiculous. But as you’ll soon discover, I was not (in fact) drunk or high or drugged. My eyes were dilated and I couldn’t see a thing. I thought it would be a funny experiment to blog and here is the so-so result. Grammar Police: Do Not Enter – or at least leave your badges at the door. It’s rough.

I have been slacking with my Do Dankes. Today was supposed to be a Do Dankes day.

Alas, it is not. I
You see, yesterday I had an eye exam. Time to get new glasses for me. The old astigmatism has gotten worse. I told the nice doctor that I was on my lunch break so i didn’t have too much time an sshe said I had to come back after work to do the dilation cause I'd be blurry.

(How awful does thata sound, by the way - dilation? I’m sorry, am I about to give birth? Ick!

So I went back last night to have my pupilss dilated And on my walk home I realized what a ginormous no dankormous bTHAT was! (The initial drops stinging the shiiiiiiit out of my sockets aside!)

ITo put it in Alanis’s words, I feel drunk but I’m sober. And boy do I feel D-RUNK. Like I just had about 32 beers. And 14 glasses of champagne. And 8 shots of tequila.

So in a deviattion from my much too normal norm, I thought it would be funny for the control freak to lose control. For my inner anti-spellcheck rebel to let her freak flag fly. And here is the result: a masssively mistake and grammatical error-ridden masterpice.

I'm Writing a blog blin d and not going back to correct ANYTHING> cause it’s funnier that way, right? right? AND - hold the phone - there shan’t be any italics. And barely any perfectly placed pictures.

I am verrry luckly Mrs. McCleod taught me how to type so well -and while I don’tt really give myself much credit for many of my shining, shimmering qualities (taco eating, blog writing), I will say that I am an excellent tyist. Typer? Typist. I woulda made Joanie girl proud! (For those of youwho don’t watch Mad Men, get WITH THE PROGRAM, wo
uld you?? that means i have twice hoodwinked you - the title of this entry AND theJoan reference. don’t yo feel left out??)

Good lord doI feel sleepy. I look like a drug addict. I am dizzy and narcileptic and trying to make dinner while my head lols backward against my couch an
d my fingers zoom across the keys writing gibberish. Nonsense. Sorry! Is this what it’s like to do shrooms? That’s the only drug i can think of that affects your vision.

I wasn’t hungry before the appointment but now my tum is a rumbling. I think my beer goggled vision has tricked the ole estomago into belieeving it was gonna enjoy some drunk food . Boy is it in for a huge upset when it gets fed broccoli and cicken and undoubtedly either over cooked or undercooked couscous (cause i cannNOOOT read the directions!!)

I mean no but seriously. The screen is a massive blur of black and grey - it doesn’t even look black. I can’t read my emails!I can’t see my texts! I can’t check my FACEBOOK PAGE! It’s the end of the world.

Do dilation drops have drugs in them? I think imma go pass out now. Please oh please let my vision be back before figure hating - I mean skating - comes on!! Hmm perhaps I should give myself a that might be funny. This entry, unfortunately - not so much. Sowweeeee. I can’t help it, i’m dilated!

1 comment:

  1. I'm going to lord this nonsensical post over your head for days. and fyi that's NOT what it's like to do shrooms. Who would do them if it was agony?