Meditations in an Eye-mergency

A disclaimer: I contemplated deleting this post when I read it with un-blurry eyes this morning. It’s pretty ridiculous. But as you’ll soon discover, I was not (in fact) drunk or high or drugged. My eyes were dilated and I couldn’t see a thing. I thought it would be a funny experiment to blog and here is the so-so result. Grammar Police: Do Not Enter – or at least leave your badges at the door. It’s rough.

I have been slacking with my Do Dankes. Today was supposed to be a Do Dankes day.

Alas, it is not. I You see, yesterday I had an eye exam. Time to get new glasses for me. The old astigmatism has gotten worse. I told the nice doctor that I was on my lunch break so i didn’t have too much time an sshe said I had to come back after work to do the dilation cause I'd be blurry.

(How awful does thata sound, by the way - dilation? I’m sorry, am I about to give birth? Ick!)

So I went back last night to have my pupilss dilated And on my walk home I realized what a ginormous no dankormous bTHAT was! (The initial drops stinging the shiiiiiiit out of my sockets aside!)

ITo put it in Alanis’s words, I feel drunk but I’m sober. And boy do I feel D-RUNK. Like I just had about 32 beers. And 14 glasses of champagne. And 8 shots of tequila.

So in a deviattion from my much too normal norm, I thought it would be funny for the control freak to lose control. For my inner anti-spellcheck rebel to let her freak flag fly. And here is the result: a masssively mistake and grammatical error-ridden masterpice.

I'm Writing a blog blin d and not going back to correct ANYTHING> cause it’s funnier that way, right? right? AND - hold the phone - there shan’t be any italics. And barely any perfectly placed pictures.

I am verrry luckly Mrs. McCleod taught me how to type so well -and while I don’tt really give myself much credit for many of my shining, shimmering qualities (taco eating, blog writing), I will say that I am an excellent tyist. Typer? Typist. I woulda made Joanie girl proud! (For those of youwho don’t watch Mad Men, get WITH THE PROGRAM, would you?? that means i have twice hoodwinked you - the title of this entry AND theJoan reference. don’t yo feel left out??)

Good lord doI feel sleepy. I look like a drug addict. I am dizzy and narcileptic and trying to make dinner while my head lols backward against my couch and my fingers zoom across the keys writing gibberish. Nonsense. Sorry! Is this what it’s like to do shrooms? That’s the only drug i can think of that affects your vision.

I wasn’t hungry before the appointment but now my tum is a rumbling. I think my beer goggled vision has tricked the ole estomago into belieeving it was gonna enjoy some drunk food . Boy is it in for a huge upset when it gets fed broccoli and cicken and undoubtedly either over cooked or undercooked couscous (cause i cannNOOOT read the directions!!)


I mean no but seriously. The screen is a massive blur of black and grey - it doesn’t even look black. I can’t read my emails!I can’t see my texts! I can’t check my FACEBOOK PAGE! It’s the end of the world.

Do dilation drops have drugs in them? I think imma go pass out now. Please oh please let my vision be back before figure hating - I mean skating - comes on!! Hmm perhaps I should give myself a manicure...now that might be funny. This entry, unfortunately - not so much. Sowweeeee. I can’t help it, i’m dilated!