Let me begin by saying that I am not adverse to romance. Without a doubt, I appreciate amour à la Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. I think some couples are super cute – all cuddly on a blanket in the park or sitting on a bench watching the sunset over the Hudson. Tasteful PDA is certainly OK.
But there is one thing I absolutely detest when it comes to two people in love. Yes, even more than lewd public displays of affection. It’s a very common endearment, arguably the most common of them all. And really I do not understand why. There are a few variations, all seemingly innocent at a tidy four letters. They are as follows:
- Baby
- Babe
- Bebe
If you are one of those most foul baby/babe/bebe-calling offenders, if this heinous word passes through your lips while whispering sweet nothings to your significant other – it is to you I direct this simple question: Why? 
There are but three explanations I can conjure for this most grotesque travesty.
First, and most obvious, is that your sweetheart is, in fact, a baby. This baby needs to be coddled, comforted, and coaxed in order to stop its crying. All it does is shit, spit up, sleep, and shriek upon waking. Congratulations, I’m so glad your boyfriend has you to help change his diapers! That there is true love.
There are but three explanations I can conjure for this most grotesque travesty.
First, and most obvious, is that your sweetheart is, in fact, a baby. This baby needs to be coddled, comforted, and coaxed in order to stop its crying. All it does is shit, spit up, sleep, and shriek upon waking. Congratulations, I’m so glad your boyfriend has you to help change his diapers! That there is true love.
Now, if you are one of those people that calls your bf or gf babe, that must mean that they are, indeed, Babe. If this is the case, you shall NOT pass Go, you shall NOT collect $200, your ass is going directly to J-a-i-l for bestiality.
Seriously, no one wants to be associated with a pig.
Finally (and this one really makes me cringe) - there is that horrendously accented utterance of affection – bebe. No, utterer, you are not Italian. You are not French. You are not Spanish. You lack any suaveness because you are American! The explanation, then, must be that your gross significant other is an employee of Bebe (that tacky, skanky, polyester-happy line of overpriced clothes, most famous for ugly crystal-encrusted shirts bearing its heinous name).Baby and its derivatives are really the stupidest endearments ever. There are plenty out there that are far more adorable. Take, for instance, sweetheart. Or how about darling. Or there's lovey, beautiful, cupcake, bubby, handsome, peaches, hon (most definitely not hun, though - is your first name Attila?), or pumpkin. I'll even take pickles. All of these are exponentially better than baby, babe, or bebe.
Please people, step away. Step away from the b*** name-calling. It’s not healthy. It’s not attractive.
I do have one disclaimer, though. One exemption. Uno in a world of billions of offenders. That is, of course, Jennifer Grey’s character in my most beloved Dirty Dancing:
Though I must say, while watching that for the umpteenth time, it suddenly struck me. Baby was in the corner because that is the only place where people with that nickname (or who utter that nickname) belong!! That's right, in the corner. So if you insist on persisting to call your significant other baby, babe, or bebe - then please. Go sit in the corner, out of my hearing range. And practice, try something new, move ON from the b***'s. Onward and upward, my friends. Onward and upward.
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