Yes, I Like Piña Coladas...but HATE Ice that Won't Crush!

I dreamed a dream that I was in a pool with a piña colada.

Oh just kidding! Snap back to reality. It’s another rainy day here in NYC. And there shan’t be any pool-piñas this weekend.

Wamp wamp.

However, last weekend did consist of a couple of coladas. I thought visiting the tranquil countryside would catapult my soul into a state of perfect, peaceful pleasure…I was sadly mistaken. Hardy-har-har.

There we were, soaking up the (burning) sunshine poolside, thinking it couldn’t get any better than that. But, oh, wait: “Omgees! Wouldn’t it be fabulous if we had piña coladas??” Yes, we are geniuses.

Piñas are best when they are unpremeditated. When they are unexpected. When the fluky, fortuitous fancy strikes you, BAM. Like a hand darting into a penny candy bin, stealing.

Now, my mother does not condone drinking (we chillens pretty much disregard what she condones). This is fairly ironic because whenever she sees something in the way of an alcoholic beverage that says “NEW!” or that has pretty packaging, she buys it. Cuckoo.

I recalled, as I was lounging on the chaise, that she had purchased some god-awful, bright blue, pineapple/coconut-concoction-coolers – pretty much in the same vein as Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Well, that was a start at least.

I knew she had cream of coconut and when I opened the fridge I saw that there was some crushed pineapple – pineapple juice! I could totes doctor up those frightful bottles of cerulean, calor-iffic malties.

I took out the blender – and here’s the no dankes (wow, it takes me forevs to reach my no dankity of the day!!) - THE STUPID ICE WOULD NOT CRUSH!!!!!!

And it’s not like the blender was old or incapable. ‘Twas a perfectly able kitchen appliance. But I find that, as a rule, blenders never, ever do a proper slush-ifying job! THEY DON’T CRUSH THE ICE! Never have I ever encountered an honorable ice-crushing appliance.

WTF’s yo!!

Is it too much to ask that the cubes be conquered? That they blades chop them smaller and smaller until they’ve reached a fine, slushy consistency? It’s so annoying! How do those ICEE machines at the movies do it? I don’t understand!
 

In the end, with the addition of creamy coco and crushed pineapples and piña juice, the coladas came out pretty decent. I tried to ignore the fact that there were lame, lacerated lumps of frozen water floating around.

And let's be serious. the day was far too beautiful to be ruined by the shortcomings of a stupid blender.