All Hail, the Dummies!

One can’t conjure up New York City without thoughts of the Empire State Building. Or the Statue of Liberty. Or steaming, delicious pizza (folded in half, of course).
Or bright yellow taxi cabs.

Now I know that I’ve No Dankes-ed cabs who creep up in crosswalks when the light is red. And those who zoom around corners so fast that we pedestrians have to pause and let them by even though it’s our turn to cross. And those who just don’t know where they’re GOING.

So yeah, I kinda hate them.

Alas, the rare occasion does indeed present itself when I must - gasp - take a cab. These instances are fairly few and far between - seeing as how I pay my life away to my landlord and thus have little cash for anything else - but yeah, I take cabs if necessary.

A whole lotta New Yorkers and non-New Yorkers do too. But let us focus on the latter. The Faux Yorkers, if you will. Out-of-towners. Tourists. Stupid. Idiots.

I know, I know. The subway system is pretty intimidating if you’re unfamiliar. If you don’t know uptown from downtown, local from express, orange line from blue line. If, in short, you don’t know the rules - then the subway can be positively terrifying.
But believe it or not, there are also guidelines when it comes to cabs. Yes, yes, hard to believe but this super classy mode of transportation has protocols, people. And it drives me positively bonkers when I see Flaky McFlakerson from Flakeston, FK flailing his or her arms all sorts of ways, trying to hail a taxi that is off duty.

Look. At. The. Light.

You know, that beaming little bulb on display atop the cab. From this battery operated gleam of illumination, one can deduce anything and everything they need to know.
 
There are but a few simple rules and this light explains them all.

Rule #1: If the cabbie is passengerless, the light will be ON. A lighthouse beam guiding you to your destination! A nightlight guiding you back to bed! Come hither!

No light? No ride.

Rule #2: If the cab is in use, if there are people in the cab being driven to a hood of their choosing, then the light will be OFF. Blackness. Do not enter. You are not welcome.

Rule #3: Now pay attention peeps, this is where things get complicated. This “rule” is neither here nor there. Sometimes, sometimes, a cabbie will be driving home after a long shift (4 a.m. to 4 p.m. or vice versa, YIKES!) and their little light will say OFF DUTY.

This can be quite arbitrary. Off Duties will either blow right by you, or, if they are feeling magnanimous, will stop and ask you where you’re going. If it tickles their convenience fancy, they’ll bring you. All aboard!

But if they’re not headed in your destination’s direction, or if they don’t feel like it, you’re on your own.

(Unless you’re rolling with my crowd of my spectacular lady friends. A few weeks ago a cabbie picked up FIVE of us - more than the “legal limit” and drove us all the way uptown, telling us we “Brought him happiness” - how wonderful!) 

Sorry, I digress. Per usual.

The point of all this nonsense is to berate those nonsensical people who attempt to hail cabs that are full or cabs that are off duty.
These extremely annoying people are like mini-Hermione’s. Like little annoying middle schoolers that insist on waving their hands about, screeching, “Oooh, oooh, I know, call on me, ME, Teacher, ME, right here, MEMEMEME!!”

I know - we all know - I am judgmental. So FINE, I’m sure a whole lotta these wannabe hailers don’t know the rules. Lit from unlit. On duty from off duty. Heads from asses. Fine.

But why must they torture me so? They’re everywhere! Every single day I see people with their arms raised high, jabbing and stabbing the air, restless, impatient, trying to flag down cabs that just aren’t available. Then they get pissed and swear and swat the nothingness with heightened frustration.
 
I want to shake these fools and explain to them, like a parent telling a child why you cannot hit, that taxi’s without lights on will not pick you up. So stop, stop, STOP trying to get their attention. They will ignore you. They do not care about you. They’re full or they’re off duty.

If they’re not picking you up, then stop trying. THEY’RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

But I do not scold. I keep calm. Stay cool and collected. And I laugh a little on the inside.