Christmas in July?

Is anyone else super confused and ridiculously thrown off by the unseasonably warm weather we’ve been enjoying?

And yes, I am fully aware that I said enjoying. Cause I, for one, have been enjoying it.

Even though it’s dark at 5 o’clock, any extra day outta 365 (well, really it’s more like 120) that I can wear flip flops, that my nose isn’t dripping with snot the second I step outside, that my hands relinquish their dryness for 24 hours - well, my friends. That is just pure gold.

El problema? - because there must be one, obvi: T-shirt wearing weather, on top of the outrageous holiday onslaught, reaaaally riles up my disdain for the holiday season.


I mean, we’re talking onslaught. Is it just me or does anyone else feel like summer isn’t over yet???



Sure, the über early descending darkness is a huge indicator. But I feel it’s not fair, it’s not right, it’s really simply unfathomable that Christmastime is once more upon us.

Can. Not. Believe. It. Thanksgiving in less than two weeks! Then only four weeks till Christmas! Then one week until 2013 hits! Omg. I’m dizzy.

I really hate how goddamn early they Christmas-ize. (And Halloween-ize and Easter-ize and Valentine-ize, OKOKOK.) But The Holiday Season is a never-ending barrage of baked goods and candy canes and decorations out the wazoo. Come ON people! Hold your jolly horses (as K. Cobb would say).

Just two weeks ago the denizens of this city were slutting it up as naughty nurses and skanky sailors. But that feels like two months given this Christmastime overhaul we’re experiencing! It’s sick!!


(Miss Shannon Burke, Queen of Halloween, had the briiiiiilliant idea to dress as a Rockette - amazing costume, and extremely timely to boot! Christmas rolled out the very next day! GAH!)

Whole Foods with their holiday bags, Starbucks with their red cups, white lights wrapped around trees and shop windows, glitzy gaudy frippery hanging from street lamps - and (gasp) - perhaps worst of all, those three ginormous bags of decorations chilling on my apartment floor (the ‘rents had to bring them down last week and I’s got no where to store ‘em). Talk about hitting close to home!

Stop the insanity, people! Quell that mad-dash urge. We’s got time. Christmas isn’t going anywhere - take a pile-o-chill pills, would you?


Let it be said that I tried...really I did. I made a concerted effort not to be so Grinchy McGrincherson this past weekend. I pulled some decorations out of those bags - a super cute silvery reindeer - and posed him on my mantle. I plugged in my white, pearl lights and lit my Holiday Bayberry candle.

I went to CVS and took in all the tinsel and bows and lights and cards (but my blood was boiling so badly, being so keyed up on gaudiness, that I had to buy some Raisinets to mollify myself).


I EVEN went SO FAR as to listen to BING CROSBY. Sure, this might have had something to do with the fact that I’d just finished watching The Country Girl and wanted to hear some more of his sultry voice...but still.

No matter how hard I tried to put myself in a holiday state of mind, I just could not. I cannot change who I innately am. I have not been, nor will ever be, one of those people that gets excited when stores roll out their fall clothes before the 4th of July.

No, nein, non. Not I.

So could you puh-lease just QUIT it, retailers? And grocers? And coffee shops and cafés and restaurants and drugstores and offices and streets? Stop acting like overeager, annoying, excited little puppies. Cause we the people are over it. Ov-aaaah iiiiiiit.

Down with the silver reindeer, down with the Bing singin’, off with the lights, out with the candle - nevermore, nevermore!!

At least not for another two weeks. And even then it’s a crapshoot. Cause like I said, it really is quite impossible to get into any sort of spirit at all when your AC is pumping and the window’s open and people are wearing tanks and shorts and sandals.

Well actually, that’s a lie. I am in a summertime spirit. So it looks like, if nothing else, we might at least enjoy a little Christmas in July this year (er, “enjoy”).