Do (No?) Dankes: Take a Hike!

Aaaah, Memorial Day. The barbeque season has begun. Beers and pools abound. It’s legal to wear white. ‘Tis the season for vacations and beaching and outdoor partying and…hiking? WTF!!

Well really, it’s my own damn fault. With so many things in life, I vomit the word “YES” before weighing the repercussions. Without really thinking about the follow-through. Without realizing the consequences may not be all ponies and rainbows.

Per usual, I planned on heading to CTees for the summer-kickoff. Last Christmas my brother, Timmy, said he’d be hiking-it-up that weekend. Which sounded like a lovely idea when I was sitting fireside nice and toasty. I barfed out, YES, please!

Oh man. It’s been nearly two weeks and my body is still hurting.

Rooftop gyms with elliptical workouts do not a mountain-hiking-body make.

Hiking to the highest point in Connecticut sounded great in theory - alas, it was anything but in practice. A fact which me and three of my fellow NYCers learned fairly quickly.

I’m not sure how I swindled Melissa, Meg, and Kelly “The Fly Trap” Cobb into coming with - but they did Metro-North-it all the way to Sharon, so they somewhat begrudgingly, somewhat enthusiastically agreed to go for a hike. The Northwest Corner of Connecticut is pretty and pastoral, after all!

We set off around 10:15 Saturday morning. It was raining - hard - on the drive over. I think it’s safe to say that I was not the only one cursing myself for agreeing (yes, I mean that they were cursing me too). A 6 mile hike? In the rain? Hell to the no dankes!

Fortunately (or unfortunately - cause that meant there was no backing out) the rain stopped just as we arrived at Bear Mountain in Salisbury. Luckily (or is it unluckily?) we secured the last spot in the lot. Water bottles in hand, we set off.

Who knows what we were thinking. Rather, what I was thinking. I’m no hiker. I’m no avid sportswoman. I don’t like nature! OK, fine, I heart nature - but still.

I don’t know how to pace myself - not with eating, drinking, swimming...and especially not with hiking.

Timmy warned us not to be too overzealous. But in all honesty, it was kind of hard not to be - our New York City aggressive power-walkingistas reared their ugly heads within seconds. And boy, I (for one) was winded ten steps up the trail.

It’s funny how one always thinks themselves capable of so much more. I (in more ways than one) think of myself as being 17 - not 27. I think I can run and dive for the ball and race in the pool and hike up the highest mountain in Connecticut - all without being fazed in the slightest.

But, surprise surprise, I can.not. I’m an old lady, yo! After five long ass minutes, I was over it. O.I. I was wondering where the hell the summit was and if I would be able to make it (there were times when I sincerely doubted my abilities). I whined to myself (fine, not exclusively to myself): Are we theeere yeeet?

My feet clodhopped along, stumbling on sticks and stones, rambling over roots and rivers, dodging piles of poopy land-mines and miserable swarms of horseflies and skeeters.

Boy oh boy were the bugs were out in full force. Poor Kelly’s head was circled like shark-bait by a minimum of two horseflies the entire time. Literally. Even after we all but dunked her head in Off. She pretty much ran up (and down) the mountain to try and escape them - with no luck.

Higher and higher we went. I wanted a car, a golf cart, a horse, anything to carry me and my two lazy legs. But upward I climbed. Whining all the while (a lot).

Like the hands of a clock on a workday, we marched onward but went nowhere. Until, at last, we approached the tree line. We were there, we did it, we were on top of the world!

Oh, but wait...no we weren’t. I wanted to stop.stop.stop - for the view was spectacular and I was spectacularly spent. But Timmy told us we’d know when we were there. So we trudged. Sigh.

Finally, after an hour and a half of upwardness, we were there for reals. My feelings, in this precise order, were: relief (we made it at last!), awe (the view was absolutely gorgeous - albeit a bit hazy), and horror (we had to go down now?)

We climbed the 125 year old monument (my favorite part - too bad you can’t read the inscription on the mason’s tablet!) and looked out upon lakes and hills and valleys. We drank water and ate Timmy’s homemade trailmix. I forced him to take pictures with his cell (thanks again!) And then...and then...we descended.

I’m all for changes of scenery - taking new a new route, a new path, seeing even more nature. Except when said path involves climbing down super steep, super slippery boulders. Shit was scary, yo!

We tripped, stumbled, rolled ankles, fell. We saw a dog carrying its own little pack (adorable), spotted snakes, were spooked by chipmunks acting 1,000 times their size. And though I did very much enjoy nature at its most natural I couldn’t help but - can you guess? - whine, whine, whine: Are we theeere yeeeet?

Down, down, down our tired, aching, leg-shaking bodies went, yearning all the while for piña coladas and poolside sun. But holy shit, that trail did not want to end! Were we lost? Did we take a wrong turn? Why is it TAKING SO F-ING LONG!

Then suddenly, after power-hiking downwards at an alarming pace, we rejoined with our first trail. Hallelujah, amen! Free at last. I felt like a marathoner with the finish line in full view.

And yet...and yet...where the hell was the parking lot?

It came into focus like a desert oasis. And boy was I loopy, drooling over the thought of lunch and frozen drinks and lounging by the pool - so close!

5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 and...drumroll...DONE! 2,316 feet, 6 miles, countless bug swats and aches and pains later - we were finished. And boy did it feel good.

Though I shall not be saying yes to another hike anytime soon, it was a lovely feat to have accomplished. And while this post mostly berates our excursion, it was super fun...when all was said and done. Thanks for leading us city girls on an adventurous expedition, Timmy!