Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Bachelor.

I remember the first time I ever watched The Bachelor. I was a junior in college - yes that pic is old! - and my friend Sarah (who suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Reality Show Disorder - remember Paradise Island - she loved even that), got me watching it. Along with American Idol which, thankfully, I have not seen since.

Nevertheless, I’ve been watching da Bach for 7 years now and can say without a doubt - this was the worst season I have ever seen.

Why oh why does this show have to be such a train wreck in so many ways!

And yet...I can’t not watch it. No matter how badly I wish to avert my eyes, no matter how much physical and emotional pain I inflict on myself when viewing, or how traumatizing the characters (yes, characters) are, I just can’t look away. I can’t stop recording it. I can’t go to bed without knowing who da Bach gives the final rose to that night.

I’ve had a love/hate relationship all along. But Jake’s season - and I say this with 100% conviction - I loathed.

First of all, why have you stretched this show out for two hours, ABC? It’s interminable. Quit previewing what’s COMING UP LATER...I don’t need to know what’s going to happen later on because I’M GOING TO SEE IT LATER ON. Morons.

It’s sometimes unfortunate that I’m such a loyal lassie. For instance, I’ve used the same shaving gel since high school. And so, as with my Gillette, so too with my Gossip Girl. I just don’t stop watching shows. Even Nip/Tuck! And we all know how ridiculous that got towards the end. Yizzikes.

(Well fine, I did break up with Heroes - but really, who didn’t?)

The thing I
’m most embarrassed about is the fact that I liked Jake at first. I thought him and Jill made a cute couple.

Then he became a psychotic, weepy nut job
stalker. Oh but lo and behold, America loved him (blonde? blue-eyed? pilot? YES!)

So I was already nervous for the season to begin. Jake just ain’t funny or charming or witty or clever - or tall. His twang made me flinch. Then they went and played On the Wings of Love. And I threw up a little lot in my mouth.

The girls, the girls! I guess all the smart, normal ones know better by now (my co
’s want me to go on the next season...HA). But could they be any more trashy? Deeeesgusting. So fake, so YOUNG. Omfg.

But this isn’t about the bachelorettes, it’s about The Bachelor.

Jake was the most awkward, inarticulate, boring, nerdy wannabe ever to grace the reality show small screen.

Actually no, I take that back. There was nothing graceful about him.
He didn’t grace shit. It was painful to watch him. When he cried - gross!! (Not that I don’t appreciate a man in touch with his feelings. But come onnnnnn.)

do not understand why anyone liked him. He is a tool - and not even a cool tool. He ain’t no power screwdriver. He is a level. Yes, a level. And far too level-headed and unfun to fill the shoes left for him by gems like Andrew Firestone. (Actually, he wouldn’t fill them regardless. He probably wears a size 8...8.5 max.)

Vienna. He picked Vienna. Of the 25 broads, he picked the broadiest, bawdiest, fakest of them all. Goldilocks? More like Doggielocks.

She is so repulsive. I was ill watching that last episode. Her tacky Rave clothes, her omnipresent George Washington hair. Her dumb acrylic nails and huge silicone implants. Her stupid dolphin tattoo and lazy-crossed-bug eyes. Ew ew ewwwww.

Now I ask all of you the same question I’ve been asking myself: What’s the draw? I could not believe the outburst of Facebook updates happening in real time as Jake was dumping Tenley (you are totes better off, girlfriend!) and proposing to Vienna. Really Jake? REALLY?

And yet - we watched.

Why are we all addicted to this awful, awful show? Are you guys going to watch Ali on The Bachelorette? I am traumatized after this season but who knows. It’s a train wreck, I tell you. And yet...I...can’t...escape...it.

When is this nonsensical hot mess of a show gonna release us from its super fabricated, super stupid vise-like grip? And now Jake the Loser (who apparently cannot dress himself without his TV show stylists, thanks Jeffery!) is going to be on Dancing with the Stars.

Stop ruining my life, Jake.

Gotta go...it
’s Gossip Girl time.

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