I Am the Walrus Lobster

Cinnamon hearts. Red Hot Dollars. The Devil.

What do these all have in common, you might ask? They’re crimson. Scorching. Sizzling. Now you can add my name to the tippity top of that there list.

Sunburned.

I invited my city-dwelling friends home to my country house for a long weekend jaunt. Thanks Mom and Dad! All last week, I incessantly checked accuweather.com, fingers crossed for three sunny days. And boy did we luck out.

I’ve always been Notorious(ly) B.A.D. when it comes to SPFing-it-up. I’m shocked that my nose is still intact after all my years of lifeguarding. I just don’t do it...that well. I’m inept. I like being tan.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve wisened up a bit – I’ll put some sunblock on my face after sitting out for an hour or so. If I’m starting to feel the burn, I'll lather up my body.

But this summer, with melanoma on the rise and the ozone layer on the outs – I’ve finally decided to be an über good kid. Yes, I made a promise to myself that I shall put sunscreen all over the second I step outside. Hawaiian Tropic SPF 6 tanning lotion (LOVE the smell!), fine, but that’s something.

So you can only imagine my dismay when, this past Saturday, I got sunburned. Bad.

Overcast skies blossomed into bright blue, cloudless oceans shortly after we went out to the pool. Good to my word, I smeared the sunscreen on. But all of a sudden, after no time at all, my good pal K. Cobb said I looked a little red. What! How? I put SPF SIX ON!!!!!!!!

Omgees.

I went inside and, after my eyes adjusted, I looked in the mirror. Lo and behold, I had transformed into a lobster. Sans antennae, but lobster nevertheless.

I poured SPF 30 (unheard of!) all over and went back out to the pool. But as the hours crept by, the shade of my skin developed like a photograph, turning from rosy to ruby.

Meanwhile, Kelly – who had nada but SPF 6 OIL on – made it through unscathed. Unscorched. Perfectly sunkissed. So the only thing we can figure is that my sunscreen had passed its prime.

Sunscreen expires? Who knew!

Sunburns are one of the most painful ailments ever. My skin was so taut, it felt like I'd suddenly gained 100 pounds and my flesh was too small to contain me. I was super hot to the touch, as if I'd just been suspended over a ginormous pot of boiling water.

Now I know firsthand how those poor, delicious crustaceans feel. And look.

Oh how I wish I could swim in a vat of chilled aloe!

Needless to say, I’ll be SPF 15-ing it up from now on.