Bumper Cads

Now - I know that I just wrote a blog about sidewalk rage, about the frustration that slow people ensue.

But after a long weekend of driving in cars and spending time in uncrowded locales (Honey Pot Hill Orchards excepted - shit yo, that place was more crowded than Times Square on a Saturday afternoon!) - I was fairly zen.

My bubble of protective personal space had grown, à la Grinch’s heart, three sizes. In the country, you see, there was no one that even came close enough to step on my toes, bump into me, or whack hands with.

Alas, as all good things must come to an end, it was inevitable that my invisible countryside buffer would evaporate the second I crossed the NYC threshold.

What am I talking about, you ask?

Oh you know...just those harebrained, cockamamie people who can’t make up their mind which side to pass on.

Now I’m not talking pass as in walk by because they’re dillydallying - I’m talking crossing paths, how-do-ye-do, each-on-their-own-merry-way-in-opposite-directions pass.

I once read that people prefer to pass other people on their right. Personally, I don’t feel I am one such person. What does matter to me, though, is a smooth pass. As in no noncommittal’s. No wishy-washy’s. No feint and parry’s.

I hate hate hate when I bump into a fellow pedestrian because they lack the ability to pick a passing side and stick to it.

Every single time I walk anywhere, it’s pretty much a given that I will encounter one such person. Oftentimes I run into - literally smack into - someone who can’t commit to going left or right.

And an awkward quasi-dance transpires. Perhaps there’s some accidental groping, an unintentional sideswipe, inadvertent toe smooshing, or, in the worst case scenario, an ass-flattening bottoming out.

Does this phenomenon happen only to my fellow passive aggressive street walkers? Is this über-dicey duel of sorts omnipresent in Katie-Land because I am just so indifferent? Because I, too, am guilty of not really being able to make a decision?

Left/right/left/right? Oh which way should I go!!!

I don’t know which side seems better to commit too! What happens if I don’t take the road not taken?

Not that it really makes a difference. Not in New York City at least.

But seriously people, what’s the problemo?
 It kills me. Really, it does. For example, I’ll be so positive, so unbelievably and unabashedly sure that a person is going to pass me on my left side - maybe because, say, there’s four inches of space on the other side of me - but then, hey, wait, they squeak by me on my right side.

Really? REALLY? There’s FOUR INCHES of space to be had. And you’re just gonna go for it. Omfg. OMFG.

Cads, I tell you. Imbeciles. Jerks.

Maybe these dumbass peeps have a complex - one that doesn't allow them to concede anything at all, ever. So if they set out to pass someone on a particular side, they can’t change their plans mid-pass and reroute.

These sad little people have to take their victories where they can, I suppose.

And so, being the magnanimous person I am, I yield. Yes, I yield - albeit with a stink-eye and an ever-so-slight shove.