Red Eyes

How have I never no dankesed this before? There are SO MANY things in the red eye familia to talk smack ‘bout.

First and foremost - demon eyes in photos (Shan and Beth are so pretty! I bring the picture down, down, down).

I’ve been a lifelong red eyer and believe you me - ‘tain’t cool. I don’t get it. I’m not an albino bunny. I’m not a dragon or a white mouse or a robot. I’m not a evil little bug or a piece of red velvet cake (though that would be nice). I’m not the Devil (believe it or not).

I was over the moon when those red eye pens came out in the late 90s. Though I was fairly heavy-handed and a little too overzealous - ended up hiding lots of pics at the bottom of my drawer because I was ashamed of my marker-blue peepers.

Come onnnn yo! It’s so unfair! Why hasn’t someone invented a reasonably priced RED EYE FREE camera? Enough with that reduction shit, it don’t work!

Every.single.picture.ever - red eyes. Like, ever! Thankfully Mr. Jobs invented iPhoto.

Moving on before I get too heated...

I was never a hugely allergy-ridden person. (Well that’s not entirely true - they were about to cut me open and perform exploratory surgery when I was a baby because I was allergic to milk and they didn’t know it. Let’s hear it for the goats!) I guess I’ve just never had those kind of allergies - the eyeball kind. Pollen, hay, dust - bring it on.

Ben Stein and GO: For dry, red eyes, Clear Eyes is awesome. So I’ve heard!

Allergies, pink eye, contacts, no dankes! I hate ‘em all - if only on behalf of my friends and fam (poor Miss Carberry and her little poisonous kiddies with their pernicious, pervasive little pink eyes; poor Papa P with his terrible, awful, no good, very bad allergies; poor Shannon with her hard contacts!! GAH!)

What I have had, though, is a cold in my eyes - yes a COLD (sniff sniff) in my EYES (red red water water crust crust gross gross). I hate burning! I hate crustiness! I hate having red eyes in real life in addition to red eyes in pictures! So not fair.

Anyway. So as we all know, the English language is filled to the brim with nonsensical phrases and double meanings and tomfoolery - I count my lucky stars that I’ve had 27 years to learn it cause I can’t imagine starting now (and to those of you who’ve had longer than me, the Grammar Police says: GET IT RIGHT, already!!!)

To make matters confusing (because hell, that’s our language’s forte), there are a few things that fall under the Red Eye umbrella but are not, in fact, fiery little scarlet eyeballs.

Case in point: the flight. Usually it’s from Cali heading east. Or NYC to Europe. When I was in the Foreign Travel Club at Housy, I never quite understood why we left in the afternoon, flew for a long time, and didn’t get to go to sleep when we got there. We hit the ground running - well, other people did. I, for one, was dragging my feet (surprised?)

Those flights are misery personified. At least for the unlucky select few of us who aren’t capable and/or talented enough to fall asleep in planes, trains, or automobiles (it’s really quite unfortunate - I very much envy those narcoleptic friends-o-mine who can fall asleep sitting up).

I suppose the one saving grace of the repertoire that is “Red Eye” is that most delicious drink: Coffee with a shot of espresso.

I always wanted to be in the Red Eye club at Starbucks. I’d hear people order them - clandestinely, I swear - and wonder what the hell it was. Good thing my friend Jeffery was already a member. Once he told me what was it was, I immediately went out and ordered one. It was love at third sip (once the shockingly strong, shockingly hot initial jolt worked its way through my hater-percolator).

I wish I could say that that last Red Eye - so rich and potent and almost creamy (I heart you Starbs!) - cancelled out the other, more loathsome lot of red eyes. But alas, it does not. Sigh.